Your Word is a lamp for my feet and a light for my path…

I made a lamp yesterday. And all day, as I was painting the lamp, covering and decorating the lampshade, my hands were in Dallas, but most of my thoughts were in Colorado. Just when you think you might have some words for things like these, you hear a new detail or the newscaster puts a face with a name, and you are left speechless again. In the next few days, weeks, months, we are going to hear countless “experts” try to explain how this could have happened. We will hear explanations ranging from mental illness to political hatred to pure evil. We will hear various proposals for punishment for this 24 year old man. And when we walk into movie theaters, there will be a moment when the movie starts that eyes will dart around and wonder if it could happen to us.

I didn’t tell my kids what happened, for a couple of reasons- one is that they are already a little anxious about their daddy being out of town, and this kind of news would add to that, and two, my brother-in-law and sister-in law-and two nephews live in Colorado Springs and I didn’t want the kids to worry about something happening to them. Nevertheless, Josiah overheard some adults talking at a restaurant today about what happened and asked me about it later. I explained that a man who was very sad and sick in his mind and heart did something really awful and hurt a lot of people.  I said that I didn’t understand why he chose to do that, and that sometimes there just aren’t reasons that we can understand.  I told him that it is easy to think that we know what is right, we know how the world *should* work (“There is a path before each person that seems right, but that ends in death” Proverbs 14:12) and a lot of times we hang onto those ideas and when it doesn’t go the way we want, we get angry and sad. I told him that sometimes that sadness and anger can get so bad that we just want to hurt people and ourselves, and that is why it is really important that we learn that feelings cannot be trusted. Only God and His Word can be trusted.

Later, after the youngest two went to bed, Josiah climbed in my lap and said he was really sad about the people who got hurt and he wanted to know if that had ever happened in Dallas, because he really wanted to go see Ice Age this week.  In that moment, all I wanted to do was wrap him up in mommy arms, kiss his sweet innocent face, and promise him that something that like would never happen to him and that we would keep him safe.  But I know- I can’t promise that. I can’t promise him next week or tomorrow or the next five minutes.  And as much as I want to comfort him with the idea of mommy and daddy will protect you and you are safe, that lesson only takes him until something bad does happen to him (and it will. Something bad/hurtful/disappointing will happen to him, and then I have made myself out to be a liar). It is false comfort, something that temporarily makes us feel like we are in control, with no more substance than a dandelion in the hands of a three-year old.

I sat him on the couch and turned off all the lights, and said “Josiah, if I wasn’t here, would you be scared?”, and he said “yes, I think so.” I said “but you aren’t scared now, right?”, and he said “a little bit, but it’s okay because you are here with me.”  I went on to say that I think that’s like our world. I can’t explain why it’s dark. I can’t ever ever explain why a young man shoots a six-year-old child. I am no great theologian who can completely explain why God allows things like this to happen. But I can be assured that I don’t have to be afraid because my Daddy is there with me and like Josiah trusts me, I can trust Him even when I don’t understand it. I explained that whether I am in the room or not, the darkness hasn’t changed, but because he knows me and loves me, he knows I can be trusted. I explained that a different child, one who maybe knew my name but didn’t really KNOW me, would probably be scared in the dark. I told him that there were a lot of people who know who Jesus is, they might know His name and some facts about Him, they might go to church and talk about Him…but that was different from being in a relationship with Him. And I told him that one of my biggest prayers for him and his siblings was that they would understand this. Because this- this question- who is Jesus and what are you going to do with Him is the only question that really matters. Because whether you are eight and scared of a dark room or an adult lying on the floor of a theater while someone is trying to kill you, the need is the same. We need a Daddy, we need a Rescuer, we need a Savior. I turned on the lamp that we had made today, and told him that just like our new lamp was providing light so we could see, His word provides light for our very dark world.

My heart aches for these families, for the victims and for James Holmes’ family, and yes, for him too. And I cling to this-

“When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?” Psalm 56:3-4

“Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. And since we have been made right in God’s sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God’s condemnation.” Romans 5:7-9