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Monthly Archives: October 2013

“Evil looks so lovely covered in her lace of lies and the silky smooth seduction just manipulates my mind, Her fabrical fabrication is fueling my fascination, while I’m intoxicated she starts her assassination…”

Dear Selah,

My favorite Halloween memory of you is the year you insisted on being Buzz Lightyear. No princess or ladybug for you, no, you wanted the guy who could fly and saved the universe. I can still feel your little gloved hand, hear the squeak of white plastic, see the flashing lights of your wings (because of course you couldn’t accept wings that didn’t flash!) as you ran up and down the street, sneaking mouthfuls of candy and dodging other superheros.

This year, we stood in the store looking at the massive wall of costumes and I watched you touch the red satin of the “Sexy Red Riding Hood” dress, complete with thigh highs and a corset. You looked at me and said “It’s pretty.”  I shook my head and you nodded, saying “it’s not modest though.”

It’s not modest.

I grew up in a time when modesty was the mark of a “good christian girl.” That girl had her christian conference/camp t-shirt on, her to- the- knee shorts, and her True Love Waits ring firmly lodged on her finger and heart.  She would never even consider Sexy Red Riding Hood costume. Costumes like that were for *those* girls. I never really had a grasp on who *those* girls were or how we were to avoid becoming like them, but it was clear if a little bit of cotton and denim was good, then a lot of cotton and denim was even better.

Modesty has been boiled down to simple thread count.

But let me tell you why I say no.

Sexy Red sends the message that the ultimate desire of women is to be seductive and garner attention. We don’t want to be smart, or creative, or funny, or kind- no, our deepest desire MUST be to attract and hold that power over others. And of course, if you DO want to be smart or funny or anything other than sexy, there might be something a little wrong with you. We quickly follow that up with banal messages- “baby, you’re a firework!”, “you’re amazing, just the way you are!” We tell you that inside counts the most, then we quietly snicker and put together a sexy doctor costume.

Sexy Red sends the message that of COURSE you can be anything you want to be….as long as you are beautiful too. Being a police officer isn’t enough, you must serve and protect your image as well. You want to be an astronaut? No problem, but be sure to bring your lipstick. If you think I’m exaggerating, ask me how many women I know who won’t go to the grocery store without mascara on. Ask me how many dancers and gymnasts spend hours in therapy for eating disorders. Ask me about when Hilary Clinton ran for president and people talked ad nauseum about her hair.

Sexy Red sends the message that seductive=skin. And how quickly many a True Love Waits girl has been tricked into thinking that choosing to cover her skin means she is above temptation!  I don’t want you to believe either lie that you can’t be attractive without showing off your body OR that if you don’t show off your body, you or others won’t be tempted to lust. Lust is a heart issue love, not a skin issue. It’s not us versus them.

The worst part of Sexy Red? She’s subtle. She wraps her messages up in satin and an innocent looking basket so you don’t even realize you are wrapping those ideas around your heart.

When you were three, you wanted to be Buzz Lightyear and help those in trouble.  Don’t let Sexy Red change that.

Thanksgiving 07 081

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“I get by with a little help from my friends, I get high with a little help from my friends…”

This is drug and alcohol awareness week at my kids school, so we’ve had several conversations with them about peer pressure and trying to find life and joy in other things. My daughter, the one who is fearless about questioning me, asked me if I had ever done any drugs. At first I said no, but now I’m wondering if I should have talked to her about the MRI I had done last year and the copious amount of Xanax I took. TO BE FAIR- the doctor told me to take it. It wasn’t like I was waiting outside of Walgreens and offering people gummy bears for their Xanax. Don’t ask me why I would offer gummy bears. Those things are delicious. You know you’d at least consider it.

In thinking about this, I decided to repost this piece I wrote about a year ago on my experience. I think we can all agree that while my thoughts may be scattered and nonsensical, there are hidden gems in there too. Very hidden. Search deep, people.

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I woke up this morning, feeling like a sorority girl at the end of a trip to Cabo at Spring break, minus the butterfly tattoo and throw up in my hair. As the haze cleared, I remembered that I had to get an MRI last night. I’ve been having migraines with more intensity and frequency, so my neurologist decided an MRI was a good idea. I am claustrophobic and he said it was important that I am very still and relaxed, so he instructed me to take Xanax before the appointment. My friend Kris drove me there and Haley drove me home and because they are loyal friends whose goal is to love and protect me, they brought a video camera. When we got there, the waiting room was full of people older than me, all of who had the ability to hear. However, I informed Kris in a regular voice that I knew they couldn’t hear me because they all probably had hearing aids. Somewhere in the car on the way, I started having ideas for blogging subjects and started writing them down in my phone. So here’s the list of completely normal and extremely important things I need to blog about-

Judge Judy is most likely Hitler’s girlfriend who secretly escaped.

Clipboards are the smartest invention ever made in the history of the world.

Why I’m not Wes’ shoe slave, holla. (Not sure what prompted this, except he texted me asking if I knew where Josiah’s shoes were)

X-Factor is the bomb diggity show ever made in the history of the world (don’t really watch this show, but I was told that I sang a little Britney in the waiting room)

Swedish people are straight up Compton gangsta

If bonnets fit, you should wear them.

I’m really thinking about moving to Damn Amsterdam. Damn Amsterdam. That’s funny.

Smartphones should have a feature that tells you when you are about to say something stupid.

There should be an x-factor but with chickens. Chickens sing country songs and alpacas are the judges.

Sarah MacLachlan  is a %&$* (I honestly have nothing against her and don’t have any idea why she made me so angry then)

Alpacas have a mastodon body, a monkey face, and a phoenix tail and Amish people should already know that. ( I said this because Kris said she didn’t know what an alpaca was. When I described it to her, a man in the waiting room corrected me and I told Kris that he didn’t have a clue what he was talking about)

Rooms 2 Go should also sell brooms 2 Go.

Boysenberry gravy. (nope. No idea why I wrote this)

Kids always ruin central market

Monkeys should be more common pets because they will cheerfully bring you ice cream

Do you like my new outfit its blue and comfortable and its scrubs and I stole them. (um..okay. See, what had happened was…I asked Jason Mraz if I could keep them and he said “i’m not going to check to see if you left them” which I think is pretty much permission to Wynona Rider them in my purse. Which I did.)

I think Smokey the Bandit’s name is a good indication that he’s actually the one starting forest fires.

The history of nail polish is that a cavewoman spilled dinosaur blood on her foot and her cavehusband saw it and said “How you doin?”

There are a lot of penises in this room and that is why global warming is a real thing. (I really can’t explain this. I could, but I am afraid I would get my husband fired. Suffice it to say it’s not really a valid theory)

Where did the phrase pass the buck come from I think it came from a bunch of people who weren’t supposed to shoot guys named Buck but they did so they passed the body around before the police came and that’s why there aren’t that many guys named Buck anymore.

Why Rob is so selfish (Apparently, I became quite upset that Haley wouldn’t take me along on her date with her husband Rob, and I kept trying to convince her that it was a good idea.)

Why Haley is so selfish

Jason Mraz is my tech but he lost his hat but I’m still gonna ask him out. (I’m told that he didn’t resemble Jason Mraz at all. But I still asked him out.)

I’m about to scrap Haley and put her in a scrapbook (again, mad at her for not taking me on her date)

I’d totally freak if a seashell whispered seductively in my ear.

Barney on Xanex would be awesome because we’d finally hear what he thinks of that whine factory Baby Bop.

You never get migraines at Hogwarts because they’ll it’s always vicd iffy. (this was the last thing I wrote before I passed out. I’d actually love to know why you don’t ever get migraines at Hogwarts, but it will forever remain a mystery.)

At the end of the night, before I went to bed, I sent one last text to Cate, my friend who wanted to but wasn’t able to come along-

“IMISSEDYOUCATECATEBOBATEBANANABATMANFOFATE. The other two don’t even know what an alpaca is but I bet you know bc of being baptist. I live you more than Britney and Justin and carrot cake and Singapore and Haveis and storiphime cups and hot guitar boys. But not more than Rob Pattinson. Then you are dead to me goodnight.”

Drugs are bad, kids.

“Sweet dreams are made of these, who am I to disagree, I travel the world and the seven seas, everybody’s looking for something…”

Wes and I are a family of dreamers. Yes, in that lovely way of “how can we change the world” and “what will be our next adventure” and “wouldn’t it be fun to live in a place that actually has seasons”, but that’s not what I mean here. I mean we are those people who dream in vivid detail, and sometimes we choose to share those details with each other. While we are still asleep.

If you know my husband, you know that Wes is a pretty straight laced guy. To quote Rich Mullins, “I don’t cheat on my taxes, I don’t cheat on my girl, I got values that would make the White House jealous”- that’s a great description of my love. Which is why it is hysterically funny that Wes Butler has used salty language in his sleep, y’all.  And not just an occasional *darn* either. I’m talking My Cousin Vinny goes to sleep, has a dream, and yells at his wife. It used to upset me, but after 16 years, I just laugh and keep asking him questions.

So a few nights ago, I came to bed and Wes was already asleep, but mumbling. We had watched “Star Trek Into Darkness” earlier that evening, and discussed the Jimmy Kimmel/Kanye West feud. I stayed up to get some work done, and Wes went to bed. I guess those two events were swirling together in his brain, because as I started to go to sleep, I heard Wes say-

“Now I ain’t sayin she’s a gold digger…”

I stopped and waited…

“but she ain’t messin with no broke, broke uh…”

Cue the giggling…

“go ‘head girl, go ‘head get down”

Is he talking to ME?

“Damn it man, I’m a doctor, not…”

Not what?

“leather jogging pants…”

He’s not leather jogging pants?? What does this mean?

“KHAN!!!”

Ye?

His hand flew up and made what was either a hardcore rap gang symbol or the beginnings of the Vulcan death grip, I couldn’t tell. I waited a little longer to see if he would continue, but I just heard snoring. Then I spent the next hour holding in laughter and trying to imagine the visual image of whatever this dream was. Was Kirk wearing leather pants, because I REALLY think that’s more of a Spock thing. I just think if you’re trying to jog in leather, it’s better to be in control over your emotions.

Now I wonder if I can make this happen again with other rappers and movies so for the next few months, I will be conducting an experiment to see what my husband’s brain comes up with, where I will play some music in the morning and then we will watch a movie that night and just see what happens.  So far I have planned-

Lil Wayne’s World

2 Chainzsaw Massacre

Hustle and Flo Rida

All Snoop Dogs go to Heaven

LL Cool J Hand Luke

Ice Cube Castles

Dr. Dre Doolittle

I don’t know if any of these will match Star Trek- the Wrath of Kanye, but we can always hope.

Did you seriously think you could pull off leather jogging pants?

Did you seriously think you could pull off leather jogging pants?

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