The Halloween hangover…
10:30 pm- Selah wakes from a nightmare about a vampire bride she saw earlier. Don’t know if she’s actually scared of the vampire or the idea of something ruining a wedding dress.
11:30 pm- Selah wakes again. Comes in to ask me if Twizzlers have food dye. Tell her Twizzlers are made of food dye and lost hopes and dreams.
11:45 pm- Go to bed.
3:00 am- Wake up and find an Ethiopian ice-cube asleep next to me.
3:05 am- Inch away from the ice-cube. Love the ice-cube but it’s survival of the fittest in this bed, yo.
3:30 am- Selah comes in and asks something in Dutch. I think.
4:00 am- Wes’ alarm goes off. He turns if off after the 486th time I hit him.
4:03 am- Ice cube presses his little frog feet on my back.
4:05 am- Invent self heating socks for kids for such moments as these.
4:08 am-Try to go back to sleep.
4:10 am- Imagine sheep. They are jumping and saying “Go baaaaaaack to sleep.”
4:12 am- It’s not working. Yell at the sheep to shut up and quit ruining my sleeping juju.
4:15 am- Think about the song Thrift Shop. Wonder what “pop some tags” means. Does it mean pop the price tag off and steal things? Do you really steal things from a thrift shop? I mean, it’s pretty cheap. Maybe if you have a shoplifting problem. Or if you are a hoarder. He DID buy a broken keyboard. So…he’s a hoarder. I expect a song about that soon.
4:20 am- Think, what’s he gonna DO with a broken keyboard anyway? Can he fix it? Is it completely broken or maybe just some of the keys are broken or maybe the helicopter sound is broken which is fine because really, nobody needs that anyway. Maybe he’s gonna use the parts for a craft project. Is he crafty?? He doesn’t look crafty but you know, it’s always the quiet ones…
4:28 am- Think-IS HE ON PINTEREST?! Not to self-check Pinterest tomorrow to see if he has an account.
4:35 am-Think- I wonder what the Pilgrims would think of Pinterest? They’d probably roll their eyes and hide their laughter in their bonnets and say “Good sir! A place where you pretend you will actually cook things and make things? So you are just planning to do them? When do you actually do them? Oh, you are too tired from pinning to actually do them? Poppycock!” Then they’d invite you to the first thanksgiving where you would be shunned because your napkins weren’t folded like scarecrows riding turkeys. The Pilgrims could be jerks sometimes.
4:45 am- Listen to Malachi start to snore.
4:46 am- He’s still snoring. Dear Lord, will it ever stop? I need silence to sleep!
4:47 am- Decide that this country has it all wrong. We should take the worst criminals, and instead of solitary confinement, we should send children in all through the night to wake them up and ask them questions.
4:49 am- Realize this plan’s shortcomings.
5:00 am- Okay, new plan. We can’t use real children, these are violent criminals, people! Don’t make me do all the thinking work here.
5:02 am- How about robots?
5:05 am- But they are violent criminals, so…they might punch the robots and break them, and punishment robots are probably expensive.
5:15 am- I got it. What if we cut out puppy faces and put them on the robots? Nobody is gonna punch a puppy face!
5:17 am- Brandy, be reasonable. These are criminals. They would totes punch a puppy.
5:20 am- I’m gonna have to think about this more. File what would a violent criminal NOT punch under new ideas.
5:21 am- How am I NOT president of the USA???
5: 25 am- Can’t take it anymore.
5:26 am- Wake Wes up and have him take Malachi back to bed.
5:30 am- Savor the silence.
5:31 am- Diagnose myself with auditory sensory processing issues.
5:45 am- Wonder if medicine will ever invent a way to take off your ears at night so noises don’t bother you.
5:50 am- This is an amazing idea. If you have restless legs, you could just unhook them and let them go run it off while you sleep.
6:00 am- Again, how am I not the president?!
Happy Halloween. Thankful for the sugar in the house that will keep me awake today.