This is drug and alcohol awareness week at my kids school, so we’ve had several conversations with them about peer pressure and trying to find life and joy in other things. My daughter, the one who is fearless about questioning me, asked me if I had ever done any drugs. At first I said no, but now I’m wondering if I should have talked to her about the MRI I had done last year and the copious amount of Xanax I took. TO BE FAIR- the doctor told me to take it. It wasn’t like I was waiting outside of Walgreens and offering people gummy bears for their Xanax. Don’t ask me why I would offer gummy bears. Those things are delicious. You know you’d at least consider it.
In thinking about this, I decided to repost this piece I wrote about a year ago on my experience. I think we can all agree that while my thoughts may be scattered and nonsensical, there are hidden gems in there too. Very hidden. Search deep, people.
I woke up this morning, feeling like a sorority girl at the end of a trip to Cabo at Spring break, minus the butterfly tattoo and throw up in my hair. As the haze cleared, I remembered that I had to get an MRI last night. I’ve been having migraines with more intensity and frequency, so my neurologist decided an MRI was a good idea. I am claustrophobic and he said it was important that I am very still and relaxed, so he instructed me to take Xanax before the appointment. My friend Kris drove me there and Haley drove me home and because they are loyal friends whose goal is to love and protect me, they brought a video camera. When we got there, the waiting room was full of people older than me, all of who had the ability to hear. However, I informed Kris in a regular voice that I knew they couldn’t hear me because they all probably had hearing aids. Somewhere in the car on the way, I started having ideas for blogging subjects and started writing them down in my phone. So here’s the list of completely normal and extremely important things I need to blog about-
Judge Judy is most likely Hitler’s girlfriend who secretly escaped.
Clipboards are the smartest invention ever made in the history of the world.
Why I’m not Wes’ shoe slave, holla. (Not sure what prompted this, except he texted me asking if I knew where Josiah’s shoes were)
X-Factor is the bomb diggity show ever made in the history of the world (don’t really watch this show, but I was told that I sang a little Britney in the waiting room)
Swedish people are straight up Compton gangsta
If bonnets fit, you should wear them.
I’m really thinking about moving to Damn Amsterdam. Damn Amsterdam. That’s funny.
Smartphones should have a feature that tells you when you are about to say something stupid.
There should be an x-factor but with chickens. Chickens sing country songs and alpacas are the judges.
Sarah MacLachlan is a %&$* (I honestly have nothing against her and don’t have any idea why she made me so angry then)
Alpacas have a mastodon body, a monkey face, and a phoenix tail and Amish people should already know that. ( I said this because Kris said she didn’t know what an alpaca was. When I described it to her, a man in the waiting room corrected me and I told Kris that he didn’t have a clue what he was talking about)
Rooms 2 Go should also sell brooms 2 Go.
Boysenberry gravy. (nope. No idea why I wrote this)
Kids always ruin central market
Monkeys should be more common pets because they will cheerfully bring you ice cream
Do you like my new outfit its blue and comfortable and its scrubs and I stole them. (um..okay. See, what had happened was…I asked Jason Mraz if I could keep them and he said “i’m not going to check to see if you left them” which I think is pretty much permission to Wynona Rider them in my purse. Which I did.)
I think Smokey the Bandit’s name is a good indication that he’s actually the one starting forest fires.
The history of nail polish is that a cavewoman spilled dinosaur blood on her foot and her cavehusband saw it and said “How you doin?”
There are a lot of penises in this room and that is why global warming is a real thing. (I really can’t explain this. I could, but I am afraid I would get my husband fired. Suffice it to say it’s not really a valid theory)
Where did the phrase pass the buck come from I think it came from a bunch of people who weren’t supposed to shoot guys named Buck but they did so they passed the body around before the police came and that’s why there aren’t that many guys named Buck anymore.
Why Rob is so selfish (Apparently, I became quite upset that Haley wouldn’t take me along on her date with her husband Rob, and I kept trying to convince her that it was a good idea.)
Why Haley is so selfish
Jason Mraz is my tech but he lost his hat but I’m still gonna ask him out. (I’m told that he didn’t resemble Jason Mraz at all. But I still asked him out.)
I’m about to scrap Haley and put her in a scrapbook (again, mad at her for not taking me on her date)
I’d totally freak if a seashell whispered seductively in my ear.
Barney on Xanex would be awesome because we’d finally hear what he thinks of that whine factory Baby Bop.
You never get migraines at Hogwarts because they’ll it’s always vicd iffy. (this was the last thing I wrote before I passed out. I’d actually love to know why you don’t ever get migraines at Hogwarts, but it will forever remain a mystery.)
At the end of the night, before I went to bed, I sent one last text to Cate, my friend who wanted to but wasn’t able to come along-
“IMISSEDYOUCATECATEBOBATEBANANABATMANFOFATE. The other two don’t even know what an alpaca is but I bet you know bc of being baptist. I live you more than Britney and Justin and carrot cake and Singapore and Haveis and storiphime cups and hot guitar boys. But not more than Rob Pattinson. Then you are dead to me goodnight.”
Drugs are bad, kids.