An open letter to Emma Watson…
Dear Em, (I can call you Em, right?)
Sometimes you just know, Em. Some friendships develop like a souffle, they rise slowly and you have to be careful and delicate until you have something really good, and other friendships are like those microwave mug cakes that are on Pinterest- they look good in theory and sound easy and you start to crave them one night and then you make them and realize they taste like a chocolate scented mud pie. Other friendships, like ours, are like a creme brulee. It’s rare and beautiful and you set it on fire. I mean, don’t WORRY. I’d not ever set YOU on fire. I completely frown upon that in my friendships. The fire is a metaphor, which I thought you’d appreciate since you went to a fancy college and you got really good grades at Hogwarts. The fire is the difficulties in a relationship, like in ours it’s difficult because we haven’t officially met. But I can look past that, EmALem. (I like to give my close friends nicknames) I can tell- we would be very good friends. I am sure you have lots of people who want to be your friend, maybe some who just want to get close to that Potter kid, but not me. I mean, I wouldn’t turn it down if you like, arranged a dinner party and he happened to be there and Snape was there too and when you asked Snape how many lumps of sugar he wanted, he’d look over at me and say “Three hundred and ninety…..four.” And then I’d look at him and say “Did you just siriusly do that?” and we’d laugh and laugh and drink our butterbeer.
But EmCat, even if that party never happened, I’d still be a great friend for you. I’d be like your cool older sister who gives you wisdom on life choices. Like, roles for example. I know you probably think I am just some big Harry Potter fan, but I have watched you in other movies. “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” made me cry. “The Bling Ring”, well that might have been a mistake. But that’s another reason we should be friends- I will always tell you the truth. But you could let me read scripts you get and I will tell you if playing a spoiled girl who gets roped into a baby rescuing scheme by a glittery man in spandex is a good idea. It’s not, by the way. It’s already been done in Labyrinth. And Twilight. But maybe you get a script about going on a girls road trip with a sassy southern bff type, and you drive through towns causing mayhem in a red convertible. I can help you method act that.
I can help with boys too. If you ask me, Prince Harry and you would make super amazing ginger babies. He needs a good girl to calm him down and you would have a crown. But there’s other choices, Eminem. Zac Efron would be presh. I’d even be willing to give up my celebrity crush to you, Rob Pattinson. You know what, on second thought, you wouldn’t like him. So forget about that. Maybe a musician? Justin Timberlake is married now so that won’t work because I am deeply rooted in reality, but I am sure we could find you someone.
You’re probably wondering if meeting each other would be awkward at first, but you don’t have to worry about that. I’ve already scripted our first coffee date in my head-
Me- “Hey Emazing! What’s up, girlfriend??”
You- “Ello mate! How are you doing?”
Me- “I’m brilliant. That means good here, you know.”
You- “I did not know that. Thank you for educating me in American dialect. I am not sure what I did before you fell into my life.”
Me- “Me neither. I for sure would have never gotten to meet Johnny Depp and charm him with my questions about dreadlocks and 21 Jump Street.”
You- “That is so true. I could tell he really wanted to stay longer and keep using the Jack Sparrow voice you were demanding.”
Me- “He DID find me delightful. But Emancipation, he really only had eyes for you. You should totally get together with him. And let me plan your Edward Scissorhands wedding.”
You- “I am speechless. You have successfully planned my future in a way that I could never have imagined. Will you be my matron of honor?”
Me- “Can I wear Hermione’s dress from The Goblet of Fire?”
You- “Uh, of COURSE! What else would you wear?”
We can make this a reality, EmRoll. Just call me.