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“Go shawty, it’s your birthday, we gonna party like it’s your birthday…”

So today I’m officially closer to 40 than 30. It’s fine. Whatever. It’s FINE.

Birthdays make me reflective. Birthdays also make me slightly screamy and pouty, but that’s neither here nor there. Look, I am horrified by fine with the aging process, I run screaming from embrace getting older. I’m not vain, it’s just that birthdays tend to remind me of unfinished business, and while I have good intentions of finishing said business, sometimes Catfish marathons life gets in the way, you know?  Last year on my birthday I wrote 35 things that are worse than turning 35- read about it here-

But this year, there shall be none of that negativity! Only positive messages on this most joyous of days! This shall be the Joel Osteen of birthdays! I’ve decided that I need a bucket list.  I present 36 things I need to do before I die.

Finally figure out- is it Channing Tatum or Tanning Chatum or Charlie Tanningbed or Lady Chattery?

Invent the app that emails you every ten minutes and says yes, you turned the oven off.

Make a playlist of all Cake songs. Call it my Cake mix.

Ask the most ripped guy to spot me at the gym while I eat a cupcake.

Learn to spell “rhythm” without googling it.

Learn the real words to…never mind, forget it. I’ve been singing “Rock the cat’s bra” forever and I’m not stopping now.

Mold my children into an award-winning band. They only sing ska versions of old hymns. They shall be named Red Hot Silly Peppers.

Walk on the edge. Trust a big butt and a smile and just see what happens.

Pitch an idea for a sequel to Lord of the Rings. Sam says “Goonies never say die” every ten minutes.  Climax of the movie is Frodo, Sam, and Gandalf singing if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it. Major twist is that Sauron is actually Beyonce.

Make an onion cry.

Make a phone that charges using body fat.

Get a deal for my new show,”So you think you can dye your own hair”

Replace all shells on a beach with tiny top hats so all the crabs will be forced into an adorable dance.

Rewrite my will to make sure my family knows that at my funeral I want them to pose me with a wink and finger guns.

Get a super fancy haircut and run out of the door without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors.

Write a hit song about the tumultuous relationship between toothpaste and orange juice.

Find out who snoops in my medicine cabinet by leaving a rabid guinea pig in there during parties.

Win a Nobel Peace Prize by ridding the world of road rage by inventing custom-made steering wheel covers made out of bubble wrap.

Spend an entire day carrying a walkie-talkie. Upon entering any room, look around nervously and say “I’m in”

Get the medical community to recognize Captain Crunch mouth as a real injury worthy of the good drugs.

Name my next child after an important historical figure, like George Washington or Blockbuster Video.

Expose the science frauds that created laser eye surgery. Newsflash- it’s not nearly as cool as it sounds.

Moonwalk on the moon. I really shouldn’t have to explain this to you, NASA.

Get that guy on the Cialis commercial to understand that the real problem is that he and his lady are sitting in separate bathtubs.

Freak women out by saying “Come in!” when they knock on the bathroom stall door.

Create slap o vision. You’d have to pay extra for it, but it would be worth it when watching The Bachelor.

Finally forgive Anita Garcia for wearing the exact same Holly Hobbie sweatshirt as me on the first day of third grade. #NeverForget

Make Guy Fieri illegal.

Find JK Rowling. Ask her why, If Hermione was so clever, didn’t she just fix Harry’s eyesight?

Return a Redbox movie in less than 34 days.

Convince one hipster to name their baby Flannel Artisan.

When someone uses the word insane, I automatically add “in the membrane”. Learn to do this silently.

Make up another word for “thesaurus”

Leather Pants. Just once.

Form a Mumford and Sons parody band. It will just be the sound of me knitting.

Audition for The Voice. Sit in a chair, facing away from the judges. Refuse to turn around.


It’s good to have goals.


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5 responses »

  1. I’m supposed to be getting a baby back to sleep and instead I am shaking with laughter. I’m ok with that. Happy Birthday to you!


  2. I was snorting at, “This will be the Joel Osteen of bithdays…”

    And then I died at, “Make a phone charges that uses body fat.”

    And then I died again at, “Form a Mumford and Sons parody band. It will just be the sound of me knitting.”


    Happy Birthday and may all these dreams come true… 🙂


  3. Rhythm= Robin Hood Yells To His Men



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