“Oh, I’m totally doing Paleo right now. I like it, but it’s hard because blah blah blah nutritional first world problem whole foods words…”
This is what I overheard as I sat in Panera, trying to work and munching on a most decidedly non Paleo blueberry muffin and hippesque hibiscus tea. By the way Panera- you can call it hibiscus tea all day long, but you and I both know y’all be sitting back there in the kitchen stirring red Koolaid up and forgetting the sugar. I could take this “tea” into the bathroom and dye my hair with it, ala 1993. Whatever.
I believe part of being a good friend is shooting straight with you, so I’m going to do that. Paleo is straight up cray y’all. I can already hear the sputtering of the Paleo crowd, crying out “but BUT it’s SO HEALTHY!!” Actually, I have to strain to hear them, since their voices are faint from lack of energy. Do not come after me, caveman people. I will be forced to block your weakly placed punch with my box of Ho Hos. Those HoHos will take you OUT. And how foolish will you feel being defeated by processed circles of pillowy goodness?
Look, I’m all for choosing to eat healthy food, and food that hasn’t been processed to death. I avoid food dye and corn syrup when I can. I drink water. I like to buy from farmers and grow some of my own food. I’m not getting money under the table from Kelloggs or anything. But this concept of eating like the caveman did…what kind of mockery is this?
Picture yourself for a second in prehistoric times. There you are, in your little caveman or cavewoman costume, walking around, grunting commands and dodging the swoops of dinosaur birds intent on making their nests out of your hair. You’re walking along with your caveman gang, making jokes about how Fred got turned down by Wilma, when all of a sudden you spy something sitting on the ground. You get closer, and poke at it. It’s soft, and it smells good. One of your brave buddies picks it up and licks it. “Mm. Good. Will name it Cupcake.”
There is great rejoicing in your village over this “cupcake” but you, loyal to the Paleo diet, protest because it’s obviously processed and has white sugar and flour. I think we all know what happens next. Your friends, weary of your warnings, club you over the head and display you in the center of the village as the guy who shunned their new queen, “Little Debbie”
Oh, and I’ve seen those “paleo cupcake” recipes on Pinterest. Come on. If caveman actually COULD have made cupcakes, you and I both know it would have included dinosaur blood and mastodon tails, so just stop.
The fact is, cavemen were incredibly physically active in a way that we are not. So if you are looking for a way to resist eating that cupcake, instead of making a version of it that makes the angels cry, ask yourself these questions-
“Did I fall into a volcano and climb out of it today?”
“Have I built a house for my family out of boulders and tree branches?”
“Was I recently chased by a T-Rex looking for a mid afternoon snack?”
If the answer is no to any of these, tell yourself that you probably don’t deserve a cupcake.
I have to believe that there are cavepeople who have gone before us, sitting in heaven right now, looking down at us and sadly shaking their heads. I can hear their mournful cries of “why, WHY are they eating those sticks when pasta is a thing?”
Have a question or subject for Mama Mondays? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Follow me on Twitter @brandyb77