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“Call me on the line, call me call me call me any anytime, call me my love, you can call me any day or night, call me…”

After such a heavy, difficult week in the news, I thought I would try for a little levity. A few months back, a piece called “Dear Mom on the Iphone” went viral.

Lots of people loved it. Lots of people hated it. I just decided to write how it goes in my life….

Dear Mom on the Iphone,

Hey you, over there looking at your phone.  You are doing a great job with your kids. You work hard, you teach them manners, no one has bitten anyone in a good three days.

But Mama, let me tell you what you don’t see right now…

Your little girl is currently spinning around, sunshine in her hair while she cheerfully explains how babies are made to a slack-jawed four-year old girl who never intended to get a birds and bees lesson when she asked your angel to play tag. She’s such a beauty already, partly because she’s borrowed your “Viva Glam” MAC lipstick. It’s currently hiding in the pocket of her dress where it will be later used to paint the dog’s toenails and fill in any unnecessary gaps in your outlets. She keeps glancing over to see if you are looking at her, for she is now dissecting what we can only guess is a half dead squirrel. She pokes at it with a stick, Mama. Oh wait, the stick is abandoned. Now it’s her fingers.

Don’t look away. There’s more…

Your little boy keeps shouting, “Mom, MOM watch this!”  I see you look up, giving him the universal look for “don’t even THINK about peeing down that slide!”

He sees that too.  His shoulders slump, but only for a moment, as he finds the next cool thing to pee on.

Now you are pushing your baby in the swing.  She loves it!  Cooing and smiling with every push.   But your head is bent, looking at your shirt and wondering “When did I eat spaghetti?? That was three days ago!”  You snap your head back up, as you were beginning to fall asleep and look at your phone to see where the nearest Starbucks is with a drive thru.

Talk to her and tell her about the world around her. Tickle her tummy when she comes near you and enjoy that baby belly laugh that leaves far too quickly. Glance down at your own version of the baby belly and see the running app on your phone that you downloaded but don’t know how to use.

Put your eyes back on your prize…Your kids. Seriously, put your eyes back on them. They are circling a bee hive screaming “FREE PINATA!!”

Show them that they are the priority. I know, you got up early after staying up late helping your son glue 1, 467, 532 buttons onto a piece of cardboard for his “Been Jammin’ Buttons” project for music class at school, and no one has even laughed at your clever title, but suck it up!  Wherever you are, be ALL there.  For it is written-  “Thou shalt be ALL there, whether thoust be cooking or going to the bathroomest, whether thou is awake or asleep, if thou is bleeding profusely from multiple orifices, be thou ALL there or thou shall be smited with being in charge of the teacher giftest, and March Madness that shall last for four scores and seven years.”

They won’t always want to come to the park with you, Mommy.  They won’t always spin and twirl to make their new dress swish, they won’t always call out, “WATCH ME!”  Someday soon they will scream out “WHATEVER MOM! I’M NEVER GONNA REGRET THIS JUSTIN BEIBER TATTOO. WHEN WE GET MARRIED AND HAVE OUR FIRST SON, FEVER, AND OUR DAUGHTER, LEEVITO, YOU’LL SEE!”



ps. I wrote this letter on my Iphone. That’s not important. Uh, have you seen my kid?


Have a question or subject for Mama Mondays? Email me at

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7 responses »

  1. Oh my god. I can’t stop laughing. This is hilarious, and I am sending it to all my friends!!!


  2. Girl you are so crazy! I love it! PLEASE write more!


  3. I almost peed my pants laughing at this! Thanks for giving me something to laugh about when it’s sad today. I love your blog, and I totally think we’d be best friends in real life!


  4. I’m not Christian but my friend posted this on her page and good freaking grief, girl you are hysterical! I’ve spent the last hour reading through other posts. I have some questions about some things you wrote. Is it okay to email you?


  5. Okay I was one of those people who loved the original post but most of my friends didn’t. After reading it through their eyes(most aren’t Christians), I can see why they didn’t like it. I’m emailing them this link! Laughed so hard. Love it!!


  6. Why you gotta write about my son, Malachi, like that. to my knowledge he only pees down our slide…..



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