Oh the shark has pretty teeth dear, and he shows ’em, on aisle five…

It is that special time of year again, a time where people gather to watch the glory of the hunt, the majesty of creatures searching for what they want and need, and the power of survival of the fittest. Shark Week. You can also refer to it by it’s lesser known name, “School supply shopping”.

School supplies are my shopping nemesis, the thing that strikes fear and loathing in my heart as soon as that list comes out. I thought that this year I would be smart and do all my shopping on line, but I quickly realized that I was going to spend twice as much on line as I would in a store.  I also have to be careful about supplies for my sensory girl, so it’s important that I can actually see something before I buy it, so off to Target we went…

Just a few observations from this visit-

*What is “manilla” anyway? Is it a color? A texture? A cross between mocha and vanilla?

*Why can’t stores organize folders by types? A box of “folders with pockets”, “folders with pockets and brads”, “folders with no pockets and no brads so we really don’t know why they are even made”, “folders with Justin Bieber on them”, “folders that are a perfect blend of blue and purple so your son won’t use it because it’s purple and your daughter won’t use it because it’s blue.”

*Who in the hizzy is this D’Nealian guy and why does he make paper so elusive??

*The person who decided to put Starbucks in Target is a frickin genius.

* The person who someday decides to put a daycare in Target is more geniusy.

*If your four year old says he needs to go to the bathroom right now, listen to him. Don’t keep looking for index cards because if you do, your day will end with buying index cards and a new outfit for said four year old.

*Trying to explain why your daughter sounds racist is impossible.

*Do not allow your Ethiopian child to pretend to be batman in the store because your daughter will yell down the aisle “HEY DARK ONE! I’M TALKING TO YOU-THE DARK ONE!”

*Starbucks cups are too small to hide behind.

*Two moms can communicate with just their eyes, sending the message of don’t you dare pick up that glue stick that is the last glue stick and I’ve been searching for that glue stick for 45 minutes alright you grabbed it so that’s how you want to play it well it is so on meet me in the parking lot it’s bout to get real up in herr.

*School supply lists don’t really list all teachers need. I didn’t see Valium, wine, or straitjackets anywhere on that list.

*School supply shopping ought to be part of abstinence teaching. I envision dragging 16 year olds down the aisles, screaming “FIND THE PLAIN COVERED SPIRAL NOTEBOOK WITH WIDE RULED PAPER GO GO GO NO YOU CAN’T HAVE THE ONE DIRECTION FOLDER IT MUST! BE! PLAIN! STOP CRYING, THE TEARS JUST MAKE YOU WEAK, THIS WILL HAPPEN TO YOU IF YOU HAVE SEX!!”

Sharks don’t seem that scary, huh?